Leaving a good thing behind (for other good things)

Wilmington, North Carolina (photo by me)

I was sitting on the sand at White Lake, North Carolina, when I realized just how crappy it all had become. Watching my then-boyfriend in the water as he kept a 500-meter distance from me during the entire day gave me a clearer-than-ever picture of our relationship. It was time – irreversibly then. I had red streaks in my hair and four months of therapy propping me up. By the end of the day, I had jumped ship. I would return to him months later, but with the peace of mind of no longer wanting a commitment from him and a quite-frequent grin after a letter arrived accepting me into a Master’s program in Europe. I will not go over the reasons for our split here but I will say this: I came to understand the need to have air in a relationship, and for this I’m thankful. It’s something I never knew I wanted (some need oxygen more than others, I guess), but which I cannot live without anymore. So much left to explore, and now I allow myself to do it, and hiss at anyone who tries to stop me. That was the birth of my ongoing “cry for freedom,” which has led me towards some pretty crazy and unforgettable places, people and situations. 

So backing up a little bit: It was right after this fourth split from the guy that I applied for my Master’s. I couldn’t wait to leave North Carolina despite all the great people I’d met after I’d allowed myself to get out of my self-imposed cage. (I used to be the annoying girlfriend who wanted to monopolize a guy’s time and ended up suffocating us both. Please have me arrested if I become like that again.) The irony of it all is that when I finally heard I’d gotten into the program, those new friendships had grown and I felt happy and fulfilled, so I was torn over leaving. Excited but torn. Sometimes I cannot help but think what might have been if I had stayed and pursued a certain romantic prospect (or two) and kept basking in the company of my amazing Wilmington friends. Such interesting, lively, cool people in such a small city. Such nice restaurants, and plenty of entertainment. The girl talks over mussels, sushi and delicious and belly-ache-inducing oyster shuckings. Carolina Beach nearby with its own unique fauna of the night and boat rides with friends from island to bar and back accompanied by dolphins.  But the lure of Europe and international relations (both in life and academics) was too irresistible for me to remain in paradise. For four years I had searched for a way to enter that world and finally it had arrived – at my happiest moment in that period. (The things you want never seem to come when you’re desperate.) 

Two years and two days ago I arrived in Roskilde, Denmark, for the first year of the two-country Master’s program. Within two months I had a Danish boyfriend. He became my best friend, opened up his life and family’s home to me (wonderful people, by the way), and shaped much of my view of Denmark. Having lost him hurts like hell, but that cycle needed to be closed; that’s all I’m going to say about the split here. And now I am seeing Europe and the people I am running into in a new light, with a lot more interesting, random meetings than ever before during my travels. I was discussing this with a new friend the other day… it’s like we’re part of the same current of wonder, wanderlust, compassion and camaraderie that moves us together for a moment and then back on our paths to wherever around the planet, where we get to meet more people in the same spirit. I’m not a hardcore backpacker but I feel I want to become one (although with my PhD commitments it may be hard). I just love that culture. In my next post I will write about one of my trips… haven’t decided which yet. I will see what I feel like talking about. For now, I will leave you with a quote by an extremely intelligent fellow writer and friend of mine (who is moving to Europe soon - yay!): "A successful relationship is not one where you spend your whole life with someone, but one in which you have fun, enjoy it to the fullest and know when it's time to move on."